When I was younger, I made a lot of assumptions about what being an adult would be like. As I was growing up, it seemed like my mom always knew exactly what to do and how to do it, without a moment’s hesitation. Adults, it seemed, had it all figured out. I thought that once I reached a certain age, adulthood would just kick in and the world would make perfect sense and I’d be magically endowed with all this wisdom and know exactly what to do, where to be, and why.
I was in for a very rude awakening. I recently came to the startling realization when I turned 30 this year, and that means that I can no longer hide from the fact that I’m an adult. When you’re in your 20s you can pretend you’re still a kid, but at 30, you’ve got to face facts.
And here are the facts: I am an adult, and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
It’s amusing and vexing at the same time. I thought being a grownup would be so much easier than being a kid – adults have money, their own means of transportation, and no scheduled bedtime. Nobody can take away their TV privileges. Nobody can make them put on uncomfortable shoes and confining clothing and go to parties they don’t want to go to. To be an adult was to be on easy street.
I did not know, of course, about bills, work, having a home, broken hearts, college burnout, having a child, and forgetting to put the lid on the blender before pressing “puree.” I didn’t realize that when you’re an adult, nobody is responsible for your life except you and when you make a mess of it, you’re the one who has to find a mop and get to work. You are completely in charge of, and responsible for, your own existence. I didn’t know that with that knowledge comes both empowerment and paralyzing fear.
The truth is, adulthood sneaks up on you. One minute you’re swinging on a tire and the next day you’re changing a flat one. In a dress. In the rain. There is no magical line to cross between childhood and adulthood, and I’m starting to think that I will always have this still-growing-up feeling.
I didn’t expect to still feel so baffled by the world at 30. And I didn’t know that what little wisdom I had at this age would be so terribly hard-won. I didn’t expect that every time I came to a crossroads, I’d stand there with my breath stuck in my throat and wonder why the hell I’m not allowed to have a map on this trip. I didn’t expect to find that the world still shocks the crap out of me on such a regular basis.
All of this has made me reflect on the adults I had in my life when I was a kid, particularly my mom. She always seemed to know exactly what to do, but I realize now that she didn’t. I didn’t see her go into the other room and choke down tears of frustration when I was pushing her to the limit. I didn’t see how scared she must have been when I was really, really sick. I didn’t see how helpless she must have felt when I had my first broken heart. She had to fly by the seat of her pants just like everyone else does, just like I’m doing now, and I can’t help but be a little bit in awe of her because she made it look so easy. I guess the word for that is grace.
In the midst of all the uncertainty, that’s something that I aspire to as I’m trying to navigate my life. Life won’t always go the way I thought (or hoped) it would. It’s going to keep throwing plenty of curveballs and WTF moments my way. And that’s okay. In the midst of all the confusion, chaos, and uncertainty, I’ve learned that the important thing is to live well, and to live with purpose, and love, and at least a little bit of grace.
